I also asked why I hadn’t received my appeal interview with Mrs. J, the Administrative Assistant to the Warden. He told me that he would get back with me, just as soon as he checked things out. This was on a Monday. On Wednesday of the same week, Mr. B, Deputy Warden-Operations, came to see me after I had written him a kite asking why I was still being held in the hole for investigation. When he talked with me, he said they (the administration) knew that there had been no personal relationship established, but that they couldn’t let me go around "intimidating" other inmates about how they behave around Mrs. V. I told him that Mrs. V wasn’t the only female employee that I tried to protect from such abuses. My point was that too much abusive behavior from inmates to female employees was tolerated by the females because they were constantly reminded of where they were working and the type of people who were in prison. I said that when the Warden came through the institution with female visitors from the high state Corrections Offices, that there were no such abuses because the inmates knew they would be slammed in the hole for such behavior. If this were the case, then why couldn’t the females working in this same setting be given the same respect? It was simply a matter of having it known that such behavior would not be tolerated for any reason.

A-54 continuing:

The threat to write-up two of the Commissary staff was made to the Institution Inspector, Mr. B. The following is a copy of the deposition I let him read, when he finally (after 15 days of waiting for a response to my kite) came to interview me in the hole. I had asked him what the procedure was to write up an employee on the A.R. Employee Standards of Conduct; Inmate-Related Offenses, Rule 46a and 46e.

"Mrs. L (aka Mom). While working for Mrs. L, on many occasions, I was taken aside--sometimes in her office, sometimes in the rear of the Stock Room--for what she referred to as our "little talks." Over the nearly seven months that I worked for her, there were at least a dozen of these "little talks" which lasted from ten minutes to upwards of an hour.

The subject matter of these "little talks" would range from the Commissary, the civilian employees, inmate employees, to her own personal life--past and present incidents alike. Some talks would be about her ten year old son; some about her past husband whom she would tell me was the only man she ever really loved while near to tears in her eyes. She would tell me about her working relationship for eleven years earlier with a civilian maintenance employee here at Be.C.I. She told me stories of her escapades with female employees who used to "gob" with her in the mines.

Mrs. L confided in me that she had taken the ordering duties away from Mr. G because he was trying to set her up to lose her position as Manager. She said she could not trust him. He would order commissary items from Keefe Co. that had been or could have been ordered from the Jenny Corporation. She thought he had something going with the Keefe Co. salesman. Mrs. L favored the saleslady from the Jenny Corporation. She said she was always running out of store items because Mr. G would not order enough to carry her through, and would ‘snitch’ on her to Mrs. W (Business Manager).

She also told me on numerous occasions that Mrs. V was too chummy with inmates and that she was letting inmates steal items from the Commissary in being too lax on security and shakedowns and by being careless at the Scanner (Register).

Mrs. L told me that (inmate) KD was in prison for kidnapping and rape; a sex offender and that she loathed him. She said that Mr. T (Warden) said to "...get rid of him," in the Commissary.

Mrs. L told me to "...watch (inmate) PB for his stealing in the Commissary while working next to Mrs. V," and let her know because she didn’t trust him.

When Mr. B (Institution Inspector) stopped in the Commissary Office and talked to Mrs. L about an inmate "informal complaint" in private, afterward Mrs. L said that Mr. B told her that he had to "act" as though everything the complaining inmate said was true until he could prove him to be a liar. She stated further that if an employee admitted to guilt about an inmate complaint, then the Inspector had to do something about it. If the employee denied guilt, their word would be taken over an inmate’s word.

Mrs. L called me in her office about a week before I was taken to Seg (segregation; the hole) and told me that an inmate was trying to get certain authority’s ear about my being too close to Mrs. V (that I was infatuated with her). She said she knew the instigating inmate’s motive but that I should act more professional while working on the Commissary line because she didn’t want to lose me at the Commissary. She said I was too valuable to lose. She said she hoped wouldn’t take it the wrong way. I didn’t and she told me later that I was doing just fine.

Mr. G (aka: "Mr. G") There were many occasions throughout the seven months I worked in the Commissary when Mr. G and I would interact on a personal basis in sharing information. This information would involve our personal lives as well as our professional lives.

Mr. G had confided in me that he and his wife had been high school sweethearts, that they had four children, the oldest being an eight year old girl who liked to make coffee for him at home. His wife still wore a size 5 dress and that she was the only person he completely trusted.

He said he hadn’t moved his family down here (Belmont) because he wasn’t sure if he would stay here at Be. C.I. or not. So he stayed here and commuted back home on the weekends. He said he lived up by Cleveland, Ohio.

Mr. G told me that he had applied for the Commissary Manager’s job when Mrs. L did. He said the only reason she got the job over him was because of her computer skills even though he was more competent and experienced than Mrs. L was in Commissary operations.

Mr. G had a ticket from a vendor for the Commissary (Keefe/Crawford Supply) for what turned out to be the last game of the Cleveland World Series. He was furious with Mrs. L for not letting him leave work early so he could be at the entire game. He told me he knew he shouldn’t be talking with me about personal matters, but that he was too upset not to talk about it. This was one of the nights when he and I worked later together after he sent the other (inmate) workers away (On night commissary, I usually got to work early and was the last to leave because of my clerical duties.).

When Mr. G and Mrs. L started their in-fighting, Mrs. L told me that Mr. G was trying to favor the Keefe Co. on ordering items for the commissary instead of the Jenny Corp. So she took the ordering duties away from Mr. G and did the ordering herself. Before all that, Mr. G had told on Mrs. L and Mrs. V to Mrs. W about them going together on money to purchase outside pizzas to feed to commissary workers who were special workers; myself and inmate MH.

Mrs. L said that she thought that Mr. G was trying to set her up by not ordering enough merchandise for commissary sales. She was always running out of demand items such as envelopes, tobacco products, etc.

Mr. G’s sister-in-law, who is the A.C.A. Inspector for Be.C.I., had given Mrs. L an excellent inspection rating for the commissary until Mr. G was having problems with Mrs. L. Then the commissary rating became lousy by the A.C.A. Inspector (Mr. G’s sister-in-law). Also, I believe this same sister-in-law employee for Be.C.I. wrote an incident report on me being too close with Mrs. V in support of Mr. G and Mr. L incident reports relating to the same concern. And Mr. V (SRT Commander) also has worked with this female employee for A.C.A. Inspections.

When I was still in Mr. G’s good graces, he would give me expensive commissary food items to eat and then mark them off as A2 items (a form for loss of commissary items). He would do the same for all the food items he would eat there.

Mr. G said that he would never let his wife work here (Be.C.I.) and wear tight pants like Mrs. V does. Mr. G and I had talked about Mrs. V on many occasions and I had asked him if he thought it was okay for me to talk frankly with Mrs. V about personal concerns which may have much to do with her personal safety in this prison setting and he said, "Yes, if it has something to do with her safety."

It was this information that stirred the administration to do something about letting me out of the hole. I didn’t write either person up, because in my heart, neither did anything wrong for all they shared with me other than to see and treat me as an equal. I am sorry that they chose to "crush" me with the tools of the system their positions afforded them. But stuff happens. I’m just voicing my protest this time.

I believe that the majority of people who are incarcerated for long periods of time become institutionalized as a process of survival. It is an observable fact that many incarcerated persons become enmeshed in an abject dependency on the strengths and services of the Corrections Departments. As the prisoner learns to lean on the mighty structure of the Prison System, the prisoner’s own proper strengths fade away. This atrophy is in an extent proportioned to the weakness or force of the prisoner’s original nature; self-sufficiency.

If the prisoner possesses an unusual amount of self-sufficiency capability, the influences of prison do not have a lasting impression and the prisoner may return to an autonomy free of institutionalization. But this seldom happens. The inmate usually keeps his ground just long enough to pace his own ruin. This usually culminates in his being thrust out on parole with his distorted perceptions internalized. Some are even conscious of their developed infirmity, knowing somehow that they no longer have "both their oars in the water." This person seems doomed to forever look without himself to find external support in affirmation of his value or worth to himself and others. I believe this is what led me to my problems at Belmont C.I. I met some really fine people’ there, men and women staff members alike. I guess I got carried away with thinking that I was a whole person like they were. The psychologist, Mr. D, put it rather well when he likened my position in humanity as being like that of the driver in "Driving Miss Daisy." Some of the employees there actually made me see myself in a different light. All races and colors and creeds blended into a simplistic "human" race; I was a prisoner, but I was still a real human being.. .not just an inmate with a number. This is my 22nd straight year of being incarcerated and I got "psychologically drunk" for being treated like an important member of humanity, and not just a piece of shit inmate. I hate coming back to the imposed reality of who I am, where I’m at, and where I’m going to be for the rest of my life.

I think my biggest problem is that I changed too much. Now life in prison is horrible. I feel like I’ve become "sane" in an insane asylum, and can’t ever get out. Good argument for suicide, but I’m too curious to end it all before my natural time. I hate suffering, but not if it is for good purpose of growing and changing for the better. It’s the uncertainty of not knowing if there is any real and positive purpose to it all. Forgive me for going off on a tangent, but I feel like I’m at the end of my observable "rope," and I feel helpless at times. Would you believe that this is the first time I’ve reached out for help from the System like I’m doing here and now? As I have said, I have never written an informal complaint, a grievance, or a law suit in all my life, in and out of prison. It wasn’t because I didn’t know how, or was afraid to, it was more that I tried to be long-suffering with a high tolerance for frustration in an effort to be genuinely humble and to seek understanding beyond my own. But now in my old age, I find myself wanting to be heard and to be cared about.

This is about enough "venting" on the Rule 30 issue. But why keep on turning the other cheek to these people; they just begin to think that you like being "mugged" by the system. Try as I may I cannot translate these experiences as being "good for the soul." So I don’t mind "pissing in the wind with my efforts for appeal in good faith that I am doing the right thing--even if I get kicked a bit in the process. I’ll keep you up-to-date in what happens from here on this issue.